CHINA TO KEEP TO DEAL

The Chinese Government has vowed to maintain its commitment to the Paris Agreement. The agreement, which sees a number of nations  seek  to tackle climate change together, has come under fire after Trump announced the US would be withdrawing from it. Whilst it is a friendly gesture from the Chinese, SPIT could not find President XI Jinping as we were blinded by the grey smog that has engulfed the country due to the country’s’ reckless coal burning

 

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MAY SLITHERS PAST SENATE HOUSE

Teresa may claims she is yet to receive a Facebook invite to the election debate with
Jeremy Corbyn. The technical difficulty has not  been resolved, but May was not prepared to tell SPIT whether she would attend the event if the problem was fixed. The Prime Minister said, “I don’t think I can do the debate, I don’t want to commit to it in case I change my mind.” Boris Johnson has defended May in the face of heavy criticism, “She’s done more campaigning than Corbyn by miles. She’s slithered across the country like a sneaky snake.” Although May has slithered far and wide, she clearly could not slither through London to Senate House.

 

NUTTALL’s NEWS

SPIT can confirm that Paul Nuttall is a genius. This week the UKIP egghead explained in five different languages how the burka is a threat to humans as it is the number one cause of a lack of vitamin D. Nuttall has surprised  the country with his apparent compassion for Muslims.

 

GEORGE GETS PICKED UP

Our George has reportedly been taken into the care of social services after not wearing a seatbelt on the journey to Pippa’s wedding. Wills and Kate were not available for questioning, but George told SPIT, ‘Thank the Lord, I’m just glad I can wear my
Chelsea kit out in public now.’ Auntie Pippa’s wedding apparently ran smoothly, and guests were impressed by Our Kate’s sketch that was emblazoned on the front cover of the program. The Maily Dail described the sketch as stunning and wrote about how it accurately reflected the occasion. The British Blind Association have made a bid for the
original sketch, and hope to attain Kate’s services as an ambassador.

 

IVANKA PRAISES PUTIN

The United States of America’s First Lady, Ivanka Trump, this week praised Vladimir Putin for his progressive work on LGBT rights. Earlier this week Ivanka praised the Saudis for their impressive work on women’s rights in the Middle East. As the Trumps try to escape from scrutiny at home, they hope to find friends in countries whose leaders are even more backward than the President.

 

DIANNE FAILED GCSE MATHS

SPIT has received exclusive reports that Dianne Abbott is under investigation by the UK Fraud Office after suspicions have grown over her ability to count. The errors she has made over the past week have sparked claims that she did not pass GCSE mathematics. Abbott’s year 11 maths teacher told us she was ‘hopeless’ at the subject, recalling that she achieved a lowly F. The Fraud Office have asked Abbott, who claims she scored 100%, to send her AQA certificate to them to back up her claims, but fear she may not be able to understand their address of, 101 Argyle Street, as she may not know that numbers go beyond 100. More news to come…