DIANNE FAILED GCSE MATHS

SPIT has received exclusive reports that Dianne Abbott is under investigation by the UK Fraud Office after suspicions have grown over her ability to count. The errors she has made over the past week have sparked claims that she did not pass GCSE mathematics. Abbott’s year 11 maths teacher told us she was ‘hopeless’ at the subject, recalling that she achieved a lowly F. The Fraud Office have asked Abbott, who claims she scored 100%, to send her AQA certificate to them to back up her claims, but fear she may not be able to understand their address of, 101 Argyle Street, as she may not know that numbers go beyond 100. More news to come…

PHILIP QUITS

Today, pervy old men woke up to the horrifying news that their role model, Prince Phillip, is retiring from public service. Part-time handyman, Trevor, who enjoys painting people’s gates whilst whistling and listening to the radio, described the news as a disappointment for his generation. Others have come together in protest, fearing that Phillip’s transfer to the backstage will mean that political correctness does go mad. Might this decision spell the end for those particularly un-PC comments made at Christmas dinner that your mother tells you to ignore because he’s old, or the slightly inappropriate hug on his birthday? Only time will tell, good riddance Phillip.

BREAKING: PRINCE PHILIP IS WEIRD

The Maily Dail  this month expressed anger over Prince Philip’s access to his grand-daughter, Charlotte. The paper questioned why ‘our Kate’ was granting her parents more time with the spoilt child? When SPIT approached ‘our Will and Kate’ over the truly shocking issue that is on everyone’s lips this week, the answer was quite simple. Kate told us, ‘Well, my mummy and daddy are normal, whereas Philip is a bit weird, I don’t want him near my children.’ Will nodded his head in agreement, saying, ‘She’s not wrong, is she?’ SPIT did not comment, and would like to make clear we neither agree or disagree with the royal statement.

 

WILD BOARS INTO WARS?

The US military are considering sending trained wild boars to Syria to fight ISIS. Last week, a wild boar rose to fame after taking out three ISIS belligerents, and is believed to now display more medals on his chest than a young North Korean soldier. President Trump said that wild boars are “aggressive but cute”, and therefore should be capable of winning the hearts and minds of the Syrian people. Winning hearts and minds expert, Tony Blair, said the decision was insane, exclaiming “pigs will fly before boars are used in the war-zone”. Worth a go, isn’t it?

 

THIS WEEK IN ALTERNATIVE NUMBERS

 

1 second

The amount of time it took Jeremy Corbyn soil himself  upon the  snap election being announced.

96%

The percentage of people who cannot place Gibraltar on a map, despite arguing that the rock should be dragged out of the EU with the UK.

8

The number of white men that it took to use Black Lives Matter as a
commercial tool.

 

TOP  8 UNPOPULAR BRITS

This month we were shocked to read that  Princess Dianna was voted the third most popular Briton in history; we compiled a list of our most unpopular Brits:

  1. Michael Gove – For telling children that George killed Lenny in Of Mice and Men.
  2. Tony Blair – Repeated performance of fellatio on George W. Bush.
  3. Margaret Thatcher Ruining everyone’s lives (apart from the rich’s).
  4. Jeremy Clarkson – Winner of arrogant w*nker of the year four years running.
  5. John Terry – Footballer and racist adulterer—the English answer to Tiger Woods.
  6. Mike Ashley – Businessman who the USSR’s capitalist pig propaganda was based on.
  7. Bono – U2 frontman famed for never taking off his sunglasses.
  8. Karen Matthews – Losing her daughter in a game of hide and seek until it made national news.