Queen’s Speech is Leaked!

Few sights evoke more feelings of misery than reflection on this year, also known as 2016, but the time has come. The popularity of a tree at Christmas is due, in part, to my great incestuous grandparents, Queen Victoria and Prince Albert.

In 1949, I spent Christmas in Malta as a newly-married naval wife, and last year I visited it again to meet with leaders of countries who for some reason still feel obliged to be owned by me. Maybe they just really liked that whole Christmas tree idea that Victoria introduced.

Gathering around the tree gives us a chance to think about the year ahead, and how few presents we will all be receiving due to the terrible job our esteemed Government has done on the economy this year. I want to take this opportunity to thank you for your birthday wishes, and I cannot express my gratitude after receiving my Christmas present from each and every one of you – the revamp of my home. However, I cannot say I am looking forward to 2017, as it is becoming increasingly likely that my ugly son, Charles will overthrow me after my refusal to abdicate.

This time of year also gives us a chance to think about those who are no longer with us. It has been a tough year in which some of our favourite musicians, sportsmen and politicians, such as David Cameron and Boris Johnson, are no longer with us.

But as we sit around a dry turkey with our families, (including the creepy guy, which for me is Prince Philip), we must remember to be thankful for what we do have. Our planet is lucky to have Theresa May, Donald Trump and the returning war hero, Tony Blair. It really is a chance to be thankful for what we have.

This year we ignored the darkness enveloping the globe, but as long as war does not cross the channel in 2017 I am sure we can unite under the ever-expanding umbrella of racism, and our desire for complete isolation, that was embodied in the June referendum.

This year our George and Charlotte had so much fun decorating the tree: placing the star at the top of the tree was a particular highlight. They remain blissfully unaware that the two historic immigrants that were led by this star would today be met with aversion in our glorious country. We also remember how Jesus spread the message of love despite his family’s repeated displacement and persecution, but remain uninspired to show love for those not white today.

Christmas is a great time to remember, to be thankful, and also to be hypocritical.

I wish you a very happy Christmas



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