Sir Philip Green – father, husband and the retail industry’s satanic pin-up boy, has at long last agreed to pay £363 million as part of BHS’ pension payments. Teenagers across the United Kingdom now sit in fear, terrified that Green will seek to fill the 19,000 people-sized hole by cancelling the Topshop sales. Green himself is said to be on his yacht, Lionheart, crawling on all-fours searching for the next large body of people whose futures he can damage. Joy Hammond, a London based adolescent, has chained herself to the front doors of Topshop’s flagship store while sobbing along with countless other 15-year olds on Oxford Street. Chants of “Justice for Mid-Blue-Cropped-Wide-Leg Jeans” and “Save our Skinnydip Phone cases” were heard across shopping centres up and down the nation, while the hashtag #protectthesales and #BHSpensionersareselfish took Twitter by storm.
However, the pain does not end there. Large groups of 30/40-somethings, desperate to forget their 9-5 week, are also shocked at the prospect of not being able to wear clothing designed for people literally half their age. The elder demographic have adopted a different method; emailing Green while “cc-ing” their friends and younger family members. The Green Office has thus far remained silent as to where they will strike next,
terrifying generations of the imaginationless. Apart from the recently-dismantled commission to tackle Phil’s pension plundering, another exists with the aim of explaining how someone so clearly intelligent and successful can be such a titanic selfish idiot. The commission’s head, Sir Nasal-Cavity, stated “Our first clue was the yacht. What sort of person names a boat after a crusading mass murderer? Then we remembered how he had left an entire establishment bankrupt and overtaxed to further his own ends. BHS or 12th century Britain? Massacring 19000 employees or 3000 Arabs? Philip Green or Richard I? There’s something in that.” Unfortunately, the commission is still very much baffled by Green’s success.