MAY PENCILS IN ARTICLE 50 JUST AFTER YOGA AND BEFORE LUNCH AT 2 WITH STURGEON, WEDNESDAY AFTER NEXT.

Theresa May has opened up about the great scheduling problems she’s facing after announcing the UK’s exit of the world’s largest single market in just over a week. The PM’s office has reported that Tuesday the 28th was a completely “unfeasible date” as it didn’t, unfortunately, clash with a pre-lunch meeting with the “terrifyingly competent” Khan. In a stroke for the government, the “generation defining” moment will not interfere with Boris Johnson’s Yoga, a scheduled staring duel with Sturgeon or a mid-afternoon hologram discussion with the Emperor on how to proceed. Despite this, May is said to be concerned about the Wednesday date. Principally due to the fact that she will still have to
endure PMQs, and therefore the probability of being turned into a meme every time her facial expression changed from the banal to the beastly, the dull to the deceitful. It is hoped among government sources that she has learnt her lesson, and will no longer laugh. Instead, she is said to be considering her German counterpart’s eerie, soulless gaze. The PM has also suggested that she wants to apologise for the hasty way in which she announced the news. In a statement, she said, “I almost completely forgot that I’d said we would be triggering Article 50 in March. Thankfully, we’ve managed to get it squeezed in just before the end of the month. This way, nobody can say we haven’t kept our word and to the plan – even if it does seem a little rushed and off the wall.”The Government has promised to stick to the proposed date, saying that a two sided document should be sufficient to start negotiations. This is a welcome break from the present Tory policy of making a proposal to parliament, threatening to push it past a weak opposition, only to realise its precisely against their manifesto and even if Labour will swallow it; their voters and backbenchers won’t.

 

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