After a terrible few days for Britain, letters of sadness and tributes have poured in for UKIP MP, Douglas Carswell who has decided to quit parliament to pursue a career in systematic racism. In an interview with SPIT, he said, “I don’t know why I quit, maybe I just wanted to quit while I was ahead. I smashed the last election anyway, and that’s how I want to be remembered in the history books.” SPIT’s favourite leader, Paul Nuttall managed, through his teary eyes and drooping, sad mouth said, “This is a sad day for British politics, and I would like to declare a day of mourning across the nation. Douglas was a great parliamentarian, whose great contributions to the stability of our nation will never be forgotten.” Nuttall agreed with Carswell when asked if he believed UKIP was the most successful political party in Britain, ever. After hours and hours of looking for evidence to support the claim, our intern closed his tabs empty handed.
Douglas Carswell, thank you for your contribution to British politics, and all the great memories; we won’t forget you.