CAMERON’S HUNTING HUTS

It has been reported that David Cameron has bought himself a  brand new, luxury hut. Although the hut may be seen as a downgrade from Downing Street, when he was interviewed by SPIT, he described the move as ‘necessary’ in this economic climate. Some have likened the move to the £25,000 garden closet to Hitler’s transference to an
underground concrete bunker when the Red Army began closing in on Berlin.  Last year  Cameron left the country in disarray after the British population voted to leave the EU, and it appears that as the Brexit wheels are set in motion, it is maybe the time to go into hiding.

It is rumoured that Cameron has written to Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, on  a number of occasions to ask for advice on how to stay out of the public eye. Corbyn, who was forced out of hiding by Teresa May’s scandalous call for a snap election earlier in the month, refused to give advice. A SPIT intern, who has been tasked with infiltrating the Cameron family by posing as Cameron’s long lost brother, has reported that the ex-Prime
Minister cannot imagine anything worse than living in the £25,000 hut, and likened it to Saddam Hussein’s bunker.

 

KIM’S POPULARITY ON THE UP

President Kim Jong Un is reportedly shocked at the letters of congratulation that have
flooded Pyongyang. From Tokyo to Trinidad, heads of state have, according to our sources, enjoyed the North Korean leader’s persistent ability to irritate Mr Trump and have responded with a surge of congratulatory correspondence. Kim is said to have particularly admired a letter from the Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte, a like-minded leader, who’s writing used language so foul that the Dictator reportedly spilt his morning glass of human blood.

The latest reports of Kim’s Ballistic missile launches left Trump red in the face, vowing never to touch Korean food, and launching his own retaliatory plans to build a wall along the 38th parallel. Korean restaurants in both Washington and New York have reportedly greeted the announcement with joy, the threat of appearing on the POTUS’
twitter now extinguished.

The North Korean press have circulated memes of their leader pulling the ‘troll face’
towards the USA’s commander-in-chief. Kim, an avid meme fan, reportedly enjoyed the memes to such an extent that his joy fed the North Korean population for an entire 24 hours — something of a rarity in the utopic state.

Teresa May is said to have promised Mr Trump that, in respect for the “special
relationship” enjoyed between the US and UK, she would not send a letter of congratulation. However, in typical Teresa form, she broke her word and fired off an email nine minutes after she called the snap election. In a statement defending her actions, the PM said that she was simply maintaining Tory consistency, and that one need only look at her record to see a tradition of broken promises. Trump reportedly
responded by sending his own message of congratulations, before being reminded by his
advisers that this would presumably encourage the North Korean leader. Sean Spicer was unavailable for a comment.

 

STURGEON AND MAY SET TO JOUST

Nicola Sturgeon and Teresa May are reportedly training for a jousting contest next month. Sturgeon challenged May in a bid to win a referendum for Scots to have a say on their country’s status and relationship with London in the hope that they can escape Brexit’s clutches. May has so far refused to grant Sturgeon her wish, and rumours have emerged that the Prime Minister may be prepared to go to war over Scotland. The contest, which is set to take place during half time at the Wimbledon final between Andy Murray and Tim Henman. Established sexist tennis commentator John Inverdale, who last year forgot that women play tennis, will be commentating the contest. The Chief Minister of Gibraltar has asked the Political Jousting Association (PJA) if he can join the contest as he too is terrified by the thought of the big rock leaving the EU. May is apparently apprehensive about the idea as she fears that the two might gang up on her.

 

 

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UKIP WATCH: MAYBE MARK ISN’T SO RECKLESS

UKIP member has quit the UKIPs in a bid to leave his mark elsewhere. As the party he was once proud to call home collapses around him, he decided to call it a day. When we asked Mark why he quit the party, he said, “Like Carswell, and numerous World Cup winners, I feel there is nothing else to win at UKIP and I fear that the success is eating away at the Party. Also, I must say that the Farage’s fleeing has sent me and my family in a downward spiral. Nige was a Father to me and would call me everyday,but now I only get to hear his gracious voice once a week on the radio.” In a not so reckless move, Reckless has moved to Wales to make his mark in the Welsh Assembly as a member of the Conservative Party.

We wish you all the best Mark, you too will never be forgotten.

BRITAIN FIRST PRANK FOOLS FLAT

Today, Britain First’s April fools prank fell short as they tried to fool the country into thinking they are a serious political party. Britain First’s leader, Paul Golding, anticipated a big turn out, however, only 300 members turned up. Golding on the failed prank, said, “Today we wanted to fool everyone into taking us seriously, but with such a disappointing turnout, Britain First has decided to call it a day.” Upon hearing the news, thousands have rejoiced in the streets hoping it is the beginning of the end for neo-fascism and the current world order.

UKIP WATCH

After a terrible few days for Britain, letters of sadness and tributes have poured in for UKIP MP, Douglas Carswell who has decided to quit parliament to pursue a career in systematic racism. In an interview with SPIT, he said, “I don’t know why I quit, maybe I just wanted to quit while I was ahead. I smashed the last election anyway, and that’s how I want to be remembered in the history books.” SPIT’s favourite leader, Paul Nuttall managed, through his teary eyes and drooping, sad mouth said, “This is a sad day for British politics, and I would like to declare a day of mourning across the nation. Douglas was a great parliamentarian, whose great contributions to the stability of our nation will never be forgotten.” Nuttall agreed with Carswell when asked if he believed UKIP was the most successful political party in Britain, ever. After hours and hours of looking for evidence to support the claim, our intern closed his tabs empty handed.

Douglas Carswell, thank you for your contribution to British politics, and all the great memories; we won’t forget you.

LORDS INVESTIGATION DROPPED, UNDERSTANDABLY

Every tax payer across the UK has pledged their support for the former Lord Speaker’s decision to drop the investigation into the claims that Peers are reaping the benefits of being a Lord without earning them. Earlier this month it was discovered that peers were clocking in to collect their £300 pay packet without  completing a days work. The former Speaker has dropped the investigation to protect the reputation of the peers claiming it would involve ‘naming and shaming’ them.  A taxpayer  organisation, led by Jimmy Carr, who has been tax payer of the year for three years (drawing with Apple in 2016), calls  the decision completely understandable, “They can do what they want with our money!” he said.