PHILIP QUITS

Today, pervy old men woke up to the horrifying news that their role model, Prince Phillip, is retiring from public service. Part-time handyman, Trevor, who enjoys painting people’s gates whilst whistling and listening to the radio, described the news as a disappointment for his generation. Others have come together in protest, fearing that Phillip’s transfer to the backstage will mean that political correctness does go mad. Might this decision spell the end for those particularly un-PC comments made at Christmas dinner that your mother tells you to ignore because he’s old, or the slightly inappropriate hug on his birthday? Only time will tell, good riddance Phillip.

BREAKING: PRINCE PHILIP IS WEIRD

The Maily Dail  this month expressed anger over Prince Philip’s access to his grand-daughter, Charlotte. The paper questioned why ‘our Kate’ was granting her parents more time with the spoilt child? When SPIT approached ‘our Will and Kate’ over the truly shocking issue that is on everyone’s lips this week, the answer was quite simple. Kate told us, ‘Well, my mummy and daddy are normal, whereas Philip is a bit weird, I don’t want him near my children.’ Will nodded his head in agreement, saying, ‘She’s not wrong, is she?’ SPIT did not comment, and would like to make clear we neither agree or disagree with the royal statement.

 

WILD BOARS INTO WARS?

The US military are considering sending trained wild boars to Syria to fight ISIS. Last week, a wild boar rose to fame after taking out three ISIS belligerents, and is believed to now display more medals on his chest than a young North Korean soldier. President Trump said that wild boars are “aggressive but cute”, and therefore should be capable of winning the hearts and minds of the Syrian people. Winning hearts and minds expert, Tony Blair, said the decision was insane, exclaiming “pigs will fly before boars are used in the war-zone”. Worth a go, isn’t it?

 

THIS WEEK IN ALTERNATIVE NUMBERS

 

1 second

The amount of time it took Jeremy Corbyn soil himself  upon the  snap election being announced.

96%

The percentage of people who cannot place Gibraltar on a map, despite arguing that the rock should be dragged out of the EU with the UK.

8

The number of white men that it took to use Black Lives Matter as a
commercial tool.

 

TOP  8 UNPOPULAR BRITS

This month we were shocked to read that  Princess Dianna was voted the third most popular Briton in history; we compiled a list of our most unpopular Brits:

  1. Michael Gove – For telling children that George killed Lenny in Of Mice and Men.
  2. Tony Blair – Repeated performance of fellatio on George W. Bush.
  3. Margaret Thatcher Ruining everyone’s lives (apart from the rich’s).
  4. Jeremy Clarkson – Winner of arrogant w*nker of the year four years running.
  5. John Terry – Footballer and racist adulterer—the English answer to Tiger Woods.
  6. Mike Ashley – Businessman who the USSR’s capitalist pig propaganda was based on.
  7. Bono – U2 frontman famed for never taking off his sunglasses.
  8. Karen Matthews – Losing her daughter in a game of hide and seek until it made national news.

 

 

 

 

 

CAMERON’S HUNTING HUTS

It has been reported that David Cameron has bought himself a  brand new, luxury hut. Although the hut may be seen as a downgrade from Downing Street, when he was interviewed by SPIT, he described the move as ‘necessary’ in this economic climate. Some have likened the move to the £25,000 garden closet to Hitler’s transference to an
underground concrete bunker when the Red Army began closing in on Berlin.  Last year  Cameron left the country in disarray after the British population voted to leave the EU, and it appears that as the Brexit wheels are set in motion, it is maybe the time to go into hiding.

It is rumoured that Cameron has written to Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn, on  a number of occasions to ask for advice on how to stay out of the public eye. Corbyn, who was forced out of hiding by Teresa May’s scandalous call for a snap election earlier in the month, refused to give advice. A SPIT intern, who has been tasked with infiltrating the Cameron family by posing as Cameron’s long lost brother, has reported that the ex-Prime
Minister cannot imagine anything worse than living in the £25,000 hut, and likened it to Saddam Hussein’s bunker.

 

KIM’S POPULARITY ON THE UP

President Kim Jong Un is reportedly shocked at the letters of congratulation that have
flooded Pyongyang. From Tokyo to Trinidad, heads of state have, according to our sources, enjoyed the North Korean leader’s persistent ability to irritate Mr Trump and have responded with a surge of congratulatory correspondence. Kim is said to have particularly admired a letter from the Philippines’ Rodrigo Duterte, a like-minded leader, who’s writing used language so foul that the Dictator reportedly spilt his morning glass of human blood.

The latest reports of Kim’s Ballistic missile launches left Trump red in the face, vowing never to touch Korean food, and launching his own retaliatory plans to build a wall along the 38th parallel. Korean restaurants in both Washington and New York have reportedly greeted the announcement with joy, the threat of appearing on the POTUS’
twitter now extinguished.

The North Korean press have circulated memes of their leader pulling the ‘troll face’
towards the USA’s commander-in-chief. Kim, an avid meme fan, reportedly enjoyed the memes to such an extent that his joy fed the North Korean population for an entire 24 hours — something of a rarity in the utopic state.

Teresa May is said to have promised Mr Trump that, in respect for the “special
relationship” enjoyed between the US and UK, she would not send a letter of congratulation. However, in typical Teresa form, she broke her word and fired off an email nine minutes after she called the snap election. In a statement defending her actions, the PM said that she was simply maintaining Tory consistency, and that one need only look at her record to see a tradition of broken promises. Trump reportedly
responded by sending his own message of congratulations, before being reminded by his
advisers that this would presumably encourage the North Korean leader. Sean Spicer was unavailable for a comment.