The Chinese Government has vowed to maintain its commitment to the Paris Agreement. The agreement, which sees a number of nations seek to tackle climate change together, has come under fire after Trump announced the US would be withdrawing from it. Whilst it is a friendly gesture from the Chinese, SPIT could not find President XI Jinping as we were blinded by the grey smog that has engulfed the country due to the country’s’ reckless coal burning
Teresa may claims she is yet to receive a Facebook invite to the election debate with
Jeremy Corbyn. The technical difficulty has not been resolved, but May was not prepared to tell SPIT whether she would attend the event if the problem was fixed. The Prime Minister said, “I don’t think I can do the debate, I don’t want to commit to it in case I change my mind.” Boris Johnson has defended May in the face of heavy criticism, “She’s done more campaigning than Corbyn by miles. She’s slithered across the country like a sneaky snake.” Although May has slithered far and wide, she clearly could not slither through London to Senate House.
SPIT can confirm that Paul Nuttall is a genius. This week the UKIP egghead explained in five different languages how the burka is a threat to humans as it is the number one cause of a lack of vitamin D. Nuttall has surprised the country with his apparent compassion for Muslims.
Our George has reportedly been taken into the care of social services after not wearing a seatbelt on the journey to Pippa’s wedding. Wills and Kate were not available for questioning, but George told SPIT, ‘Thank the Lord, I’m just glad I can wear my
Chelsea kit out in public now.’ Auntie Pippa’s wedding apparently ran smoothly, and guests were impressed by Our Kate’s sketch that was emblazoned on the front cover of the program. The Maily Dail described the sketch as stunning and wrote about how it accurately reflected the occasion. The British Blind Association have made a bid for the
original sketch, and hope to attain Kate’s services as an ambassador.
The United States of America’s First Lady, Ivanka Trump, this week praised Vladimir Putin for his progressive work on LGBT rights. Earlier this week Ivanka praised the Saudis for their impressive work on women’s rights in the Middle East. As the Trumps try to escape from scrutiny at home, they hope to find friends in countries whose leaders are even more backward than the President.
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SPIT has received exclusive reports that Dianne Abbott is under investigation by the UK Fraud Office after suspicions have grown over her ability to count. The errors she has made over the past week have sparked claims that she did not pass GCSE mathematics. Abbott’s year 11 maths teacher told us she was ‘hopeless’ at the subject, recalling that she achieved a lowly F. The Fraud Office have asked Abbott, who claims she scored 100%, to send her AQA certificate to them to back up her claims, but fear she may not be able to understand their address of, 101 Argyle Street, as she may not know that numbers go beyond 100. More news to come…
Today, pervy old men woke up to the horrifying news that their role model, Prince Phillip, is retiring from public service. Part-time handyman, Trevor, who enjoys painting people’s gates whilst whistling and listening to the radio, described the news as a disappointment for his generation. Others have come together in protest, fearing that Phillip’s transfer to the backstage will mean that political correctness does go mad. Might this decision spell the end for those particularly un-PC comments made at Christmas dinner that your mother tells you to ignore because he’s old, or the slightly inappropriate hug on his birthday? Only time will tell, good riddance Phillip.
The Maily Dail this month expressed anger over Prince Philip’s access to his grand-daughter, Charlotte. The paper questioned why ‘our Kate’ was granting her parents more time with the spoilt child? When SPIT approached ‘our Will and Kate’ over the truly shocking issue that is on everyone’s lips this week, the answer was quite simple. Kate told us, ‘Well, my mummy and daddy are normal, whereas Philip is a bit weird, I don’t want him near my children.’ Will nodded his head in agreement, saying, ‘She’s not wrong, is she?’ SPIT did not comment, and would like to make clear we neither agree or disagree with the royal statement.
The US military are considering sending trained wild boars to Syria to fight ISIS. Last week, a wild boar rose to fame after taking out three ISIS belligerents, and is believed to now display more medals on his chest than a young North Korean soldier. President Trump said that wild boars are “aggressive but cute”, and therefore should be capable of winning the hearts and minds of the Syrian people. Winning hearts and minds expert, Tony Blair, said the decision was insane, exclaiming “pigs will fly before boars are used in the war-zone”. Worth a go, isn’t it?
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